This story recounts the period from Kekula’s death on October 21, 2013 to the day of her service and burial, October 29, and a few days following.
I am sharing this now publicly for the first time, on the 10th anniversary of her being laid to rest.
It is a memorial to Kekula and a mahalo to all the family and friends who supported me during this time.
But especially it is a recounting of the many magical occurrences during this time when the veil is thin.
Warning: the following contains descriptions and photos of the process of dying.
Passing
Monday, October 21, 2013
I realized now what was happening, and just sat with Kekula and gave her my full presence.
I sat with her face to face, looking into her eyes and sharing her breath, breathing with her, touching her head and face and hands and chest, and talking to her gently and speaking and singing these things into her ear over and over...
I love you, I love you, I love you forever
Everything is okay
Everything is alright
You will be alright
I will be alright
I will miss you like crazy but I will be alright
It's okay to let go when you're ready
I will let you go when you are ready
Let go of the struggle, let go of the pain, let go of the suffering, let go of the burden when you are ready
Don't be afraid, try not to be afraid, this is natural, beautiful and just fine
You can talk to me through my dreams, and through the birds, the owls and the geese, and through the wind and the rain, and I promise I will listen
Rise into love, rise into golden light, rise into the arms of your kupuna waiting to welcome you home, rise into God's love
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you forever
As her breathing became labored, she discovered that she could hum with her exhales. I placed my forehead and nose to hers, and toned with her, breathing in through our noses and out through our mouths, toning together our feelings, our sympathy, our sadness, our regrets, our joy, our passion, our compassion, our love. For several minutes we toned like this and shared the most beautiful and profound moments imaginable as we sang one final song of life and death together. This is a gift she gave to me that will be deep in my soul forever. (We had bought her a voice recorder which was nearby and I reached for, but the battery was dead; this was meant to be etched on my soul, not recorded on any device.)
I realized only later that in the way of her family, as written by her uncle Kaonohiokala, that she was passing her hā to me, and her ‘ike. With all humility I say this.
Pastor Avenelle Kalalau arrived and gave her a blessing for Kekula to become perfection. Right after that she began to struggle more and enter the final stage, as they sang a hymn and I spoke gently to her.
Kalani and Angela Eharis were coming from Hana, and arriving now Kalani touched her foot and spoke to her, and she gave her last breath and let go. I cried out, and then closed her eyes. Avanelle showed me how to put a towel under her chin to make sure her jaw was closed, and under her neck to keep her head straight.
Rev. Kedar St. John came soon after to be with her as well.
We kept her in place and cool overnight with ice around her body, and Tuesday morning Kedar and Kalani arranged her body and decorated her with kapa and ti leaves and flowers and shells, in resplendent beauty and honor.
I arranged an alter by her side with all the cards she had received over the recent weeks, the ipu she had made to place her mother Kapu Bray's ashes inside, our wedding photo, a photo of her great-great-grandmother Nakaikaina with five children including Kekula's namesake great-grandmother (taken circa 1893 at the milo tree at Kanewai, Muolea), bowls of flowers, incense, and our kukui hele po (Hawaiian stone oil lamp).
Visitors during the day included Sharon Atai and Terry Mynar, Jeff Munoz, Shelley St. John, and Leiohu Ryder and Maydeen. My Aunt Barbara also arrived during the day from Texas.
At one point, while Jeff, Leiohu, Maydeen and I were in the room with her, having a solemn moment, suddenly the power started surging, the lights going up and down. Then just a few moments later the smoke alarm went off in the room. I joked that I had told her she could communicate with me through the wind and the rain, but she apparently wanted to be much more direct about it! (It turned out a pole had been hit down the road which had caused the surge and knocked out the phone and Internet.)
In the evening, Bodhi Be from Doorway Into Light Church (and who years ago I was working for at Maui Juice Co. when I met Kekula), who serves as a licensed mortician, came and we carried her body into the hearse as we sang Aloha 'Oe, and then proceeded to The Death Store in Pauwela where her body was placed into his new mortuary refrigerator. On the way over, as I rode with Bodhi and Kekula in the hearse, he asked my blessing to name the new refrigerator after her, since she was the first one to be placed in it, which I agreed to with honor. It only occurred to me later, and had not to Bodhi until I mentioned it on the day of her service, that it would be Ke Kula, “the Coolah,” a cosmic joke that I’m sure she would appreciate… or arranged.
It turned out to be fortuitous timing also that Angie arrived with Kalani just in time to witness her passing, for as a registered nurse she was able to sign a note stating that she had witnessed Kekula’s passing as an expected home death, and then Bodhi was able to take this to her primary care doctor who signed off on her death certificate, an important part of allowing what was to follow.
Challenges
As I write this (Saturday night 10/26/2013), there is an intense lightning storm that I can hear from Kaeleku, but it is focused on Kipahulu 15 miles away. I hear the claps and rolling thunder and see the sky light up. But it is over Kipahulu, and nowhere else. Let me explain...
Kekula and I talked about death many times, and her wishes, but before she went in for her risky TIPS procedure, Kedar came to the hospital and went over The Five Wishes with her. As far as how and where she wanted her body handled, she was clear that she was making it my decision, she didn't have a preference for cremation versus burial, or where she would be buried or scattered. She left it totally up to me.
It so happens that at the time I met her, I was working for a fellow named Andy Be at Maui Juice Company, making juice. Now, 20 years later, he's long since moved on from the juice industry and is now Bodhi Be, a licensed mortician, offering a different approach to how we deal with the process of dying, with conscious and green choices that we retain control of.
It also so happens that Kedar, who was a dear friend and ally in the Hawaiian sovereignty effort 20 years ago, later became a reverend and opened the Temple of Peace, where Kekula and I renewed our vows on our 17th anniversary in 2011. As a reverend, part of his job is to help through this process.
Kedar is family to us, and Bodhi is a dear old friend, so through them is how I want to handle Kekula.
So the morning after she passed Kedar made an appointment for me to go see Bodhi.
I learned that Bodhi doesn't have a crematorium, so to work with him, it required full body burial. We also considered ocean burial, and he had just gotten in a nice shroud canvas specifically designed for it, but I preferred to bury her on land if possible.
We had discussed sites like Haneo'o and Hamoa, but Bodhi said there are restrictions on burying on private property that make it difficult for him to do, or for us to do it quickly.
So we were looking for a cemetery. When I called to reach Auntie Tweetie Lind, Kauiki answered and I told him what I was thinking, and he said Palapala Ho‘omau, which was the first most obvious choice. He also mentioned Pu‘uiki. Kekula has genealogical ties to Kipahulu, her ancestors were on this land and some are buried in it.
When I talked to AuntieTweetie, she liked the idea of Kekula being there. Kalani talked to Annie Rahl who said there had been a split with Wananalua and Palapala Ho'omau Congregational, but said that Palapala Ho'omau is maintained by our dear friend and wonderful person Erin Lindbergh, whose grandfather is buried there. So I called Erin and expressed my desire to place Kekula to rest there, and she was totally supportive, but said she had to check with a nonprofit that managed the property, but she didn't foresee any problems.
As Bodhi was on his way to Kaua'i for a memorial service Thursday, he wanted to get the permit taken care of with the Department of Health. So I told him it sounded very likely that's where Kekula was going, and to go ahead.
Then Erin called back and said she'd spoken with Mike Pryor who was on the nonprofit board managing the church and cemetary. And there was some reason why because it was listed as a historical site or something, no new burials were allowed.
I let Bodhi know there was a glitch, but the permit for Palapala Ho'omau Cemetery had already been issued. The Department of Health apparently was not aware of any historical restriction.
I checked the National Registry, and didn't see it listed. I called state historical preservation division, and the phone happened to be answered by our friend Kuchie, who happened to be with Kalani and Kekula when they were bringing Kekula's mother's ashes to her memorial service (and were late!). I explained to Kuchie my situation, and she said that SHPD does not have jurisdiction over cemeteries, that was up to the Department of Health. Well, we had a permit from them. So what gives?
I explored other options. Kanekauila Heiau in Kipahulu is another option. When I first met Kekula she was working at Uncle Lloyd Gilliom’s sandblasting business making a headstone for Parley Kanakaole. That's the one she was actually drawing and cutting out as I would visit her at work and talk. So I felt a strong connection there as well, and it felt right to go in that direction. I called Auntie Tweetie, and she also liked that idea. Kanekauila is on Catholic Church land. I called around and talked to Sheila Roback, who said she thought they weren't allowing any full body burials. She got Johnny Kahalehoe on the other line, who said he wasn't sure, and that we should check with the Diocese. I called Parley's wife Ipo Kanakaole, who I had talked to on Wednesday to let her know. She was totally fine with Kekula being there, but said there was an issue with the land being papa. I called her son Kema and he said that it did take them a long time and much effort to make the grave. So between no full body burials, and papa, that didn't seem likely.
I also checked regarding Wananalua cemetery, but discovered it is for church members only.
All this time I'm communicating with Kalani, letting him know what I'm finding, and getting his guidance.
The more he thought about it, the more he felt that Palapala Ho'omau should not be able to deny her being placed there. And AuntieTweetie was feeling the same way, both unrest feeling at being turned away there, that she should be able to be there. Our focus turned back to seeing how that might be the best thing to happen, and how.
Saturday, after planning the program and announcement, Kalani, Kekula's sister Aisha, my Aunt Barbara and I headed out to Kipahulu to meet with Uncle John and Auntie Tweetie. We planned the menu and discussed various logistics. Then we went over to the Palapala Ho'omau Cemetery and had a walk around. We found a spot identified by Uncle John and Kalani that we all agreed felt good, and discussed the set up of the service. We stopped afterward to see Erin but she wasn't home.
I should also mention about the announcement, we made a decision to put it down in writing on the program that Kekula was the great-great-granddaughter of Kalākaua. This is something that she was told in her family and always knew, but didn't talk about much, and only a few people really knew about it. But we felt like now it was time to put it out for all to know. And from this, she also deserved the protocol of the mid-day torch that came from Iwikauikaua.
Because of the initial delay and redirection before coming back to Palapala Ho'omau, by the time we were focused on it again we were two days later in a short window.
On my way home, I stopped by Uncle Bully Ho‘opai's hale to ask him to dig Kekula's grave. He's her cousin through Pila. With such a short time frame, he totally readjusted his priorities to make this happen. But his machine was down, so he needed another one with capability to do the job. He had trouble finding another operator and left a message later to that effect.
Meanwhile, we went to the Festivals of Aloha Ho‘ike event Saturday night and found Erin there, and Kalani and I talked to her to better understand the situation and where this is coming from in the United Church of Christ. She gave us helpful contact for Sherman Hee. She was very supportive and said she came away from her talk with him feeling like he really wanted the church to be a part of the community again.
Then as I was leaving the festival I got a message from Bully that Kalehua, the operator with a machine to do the job, was at his house. I stopped by again on the way home. They planned to go out early Sunday morning to start working on it.
I called Erin and let her know, while we're still working on the church approval, we have such a small window and need to get the grave dug.
Then Saturday night, as I wrote the above, sitting in Kaeleku, there was an intense lightning storm I could hear and see close by. Just after midnight, I checked the radar, and found a small cell of intense thunderstorms directly over Kipahulu, and nowhere else! It was there for several hours from about 10:00 until 2:00 in the morning while I was writing.
I told Kekula she could reach me through dreams and birds and wind and rain. So far she's gone for electrical surges/smoke alarms, and intense thunderstorms!
She soaked and shook the ground to prepare it for her grave.
Written later....
Sunday, I met Uncle Bully and Kalehua who arrived early at the cemetery with a heavy backhoe. I had called Erin and left a message to let her know we were going to be there, but with the agreement of Uncle Bully, I got a bolt cutter from Uncle John and Bully and I cut the chain to access the cemetery (we cut it in a way that it could be relocked and only that one link would be missing). I showed them the spot that Uncle John and Kalani had selected, and Kalehua measured and marked it with spray paint, then commenced to dig. Fortunately the ground was loose, with only a few medium sized boulders that were easy for the machine to move, and before long he was scraping the papa, about 7-8 feet down. After placing a banana stalk in the empty grave, the job was done by mid-morning.
I invited them to the kitchen where Auntie Tweetie had prepared some breakfast so Uncle John and I ate and talked with them for a while.
Late morning, I returned to Kalani's house in Hamoa. I had received a Facebook message from Gale Pryor, saying:
Hi Scott, please accept my condolences on your loss of Kekula. I'm so sorry. I wanted to touch base with you on your request for her burial at Palapala Ho'omau, and my brother Mike's response in his role as president of the Palapala Ho'omau Trust. I will speak with him this morning and with Erin as well. We will find a solution, and would be honored to do so in Kekula's memory.
And she gave her phone number. So once I got back to Kalani's I called her. We had a very nice conversation, as she shared about her grandmother Mary Tay being buried there, and expressed the importance to her of the place. She said that their only concerns were 1) liability, and 2) archaeology. She requested that our family sign some kind of waiver of liability, which I agreed to (although one was never actually presented to us to sign anyway), and that some kind of survey be done when we selected the site to make sure there were no bones there already. At this point I had to tell her that, because of the timing of things, we had already dug the grave that morning. At this she laughed aloud and said her friend had told her that we'd already dug the grave, and actually sounded somewhat relieved. I assured her that the site was just loose soil with no evidence whatsoever of any previous burial or other use, and told her that Janet Six, the archaeologist staying in Kalani's back house, could certify that in some form if needed.
Sunday afternoon, while Barbara and others went shopping with Leona, and picked up my brother Shawn and Maureen and Keala from the airport, I went with Auntie Kahilihiwa and Aisha and Aprelle to Bodhi's place in Pauwela to clean and prepare Kekula's body. We brought a rose oil that Kalani said Kekula had always asked for, and he'd never given it to her, but now gave it to Aisha to use on Kekula's body.
Working with Bodhi, this is one of the important opportunities that we had with him, that we never would have had with one of the big mortuaries. He had to go to Kauai for the weekend for a memorial service, but had left me a key to his place, and showed me where the key to the refrigerator was. This was all new to him as well, it being the first time his refrigerator had been used, so Aisha had talked with him about how to do what we needed to do. We moved the caskets on display to clear some space, moved a couple sawhorses in place, opened the door, rolled Kekula out onto them, then closed the door. She still looked beautiful, peaceful, regal.
First we worked to try to untangle her hair. It was a sad thing because she had such beautiful hair and cared so much about it, but on one trip through the ER she had gotten blood in her hair from the insertion of a central line in her neck, and it caused a bad tangle that I was never able to get out, despite me and nurses working on it at different times. We'd make some progress but then she'd end up back in the hospital, going through one more trauma, and the tangle would just get worse. The week before she died, we had spent an afternoon with Kahilihiwa, and I mentioned the tangle, so Kahilihiwa took her to a salon in lower Wailuku by Sack n Save, and her friend there who was on her way out was kind enough to stay extra time and see what she could do with Kekula's hair. Kekula was in pretty bad shape as far as her encephalopathy so she was falling asleep, and the stylist was only able to do a small section and put it into a braid. And that later ended up just becoming another tangle. So I had told Aisha and Kahilihiwa that sadly, it was likely impossible to get Kekula's hair straightened out. We worked on it for a while, but they realized that we were barely making progress, and had a limited amount of time with her out of the refrigerator, so resigned ourselves to making into a nice bun the best we could, and arranging it so it looked nice even though we couldn't make it long and beautiful the way it had been before.
I used some oil to remove residual bandage/tape glue from her skin, while Aisha and Kahilihiwa cleaned her and oiled her body. Aisha plucked her eyebrows and put a kind of lipstick that doesn't smear on her lips, but otherwise she was without makeup.
At some point, Karen Davidson had stopped by Kalani's house and through discussion mentioned that she had a piece of natural cloth that she had dyed golden with 'olena. Kalani and Aisha and Barb and I had stopped by her place later and picked it up. We also had a purple pareo, so we wrapped Kekula's body with the pareo, and then put the golden kihei over her shoulder. We arranged flowers and ti leaves around her. She looked lovely.
Then we slid her back into the refrigerator, closed the door, put Bodhi's place back the way it had been, and went on our way.
Monday was a day of preparation, as we took care of various tasks such as food, with much support from many friends and ohana. Keala went with Aunties Kahilihiwa and Maile to Avanelle's to help make stew and ulu salad. Faith and Janet went to the place where Kekula and I live, which was formerly a flower farm and is abundant with a great variety of lovely flowers, and they gathered and arranged many beautiful blooms and greenery to make the church lovely.
During this day I also took Aisha, Shawn and their families down to Kanewai at Mū‘olea, by the milo tree, where a photo of their great-great-grandmother Nakaikaina and great grandmother Kekula had been taken circa 1893, and took photos of them in this same spot. (I will share more about this in another post.)
In the evening we went out to the Triangle and helped John and Tweetie make some laulau and grind the poi. It was a warm, enjoyable time and a great satisfaction to me to have my immediate family from far away and my extended ‘ohana in Kipahulu working and talking together, enjoying each other, and celebrating Kekula's life.
As we left, we stopped by the cemetery one more time, and I went and had some time alone by the grave. I talked aloud as is my want, to myself, to Kekula, to the allies and angels and ‘aumakua and God. I had a good cry and opened myself up to whatever emotions and thoughts came. I had a strong sense after a time of Kekula's presence, and a feeling of great peace and even joy, that everything was okay. I asked her for guidance on what I should share in her Eulogy tomorrow. I was thinking about the golden light and how we can summon it to us, and something simple but nice and effective came to me with clarity, with the feeling that it was something I was to realize in that moment: simply rubbing one's hands together, especially in front of one’s face as in prayer, and the way that the feeling and the sound of that can generate a nice peaceful, warm feeling, along with breathing and smiling inside and out. It is a powerful way of activating the chi, the golden light, the prayer. I had a feeling that I should share that at her service, and also had a sense of a few simple things to share for Kekula's eulogy, lessons that I had learned from her, instead of a lot of personal things. To share the story about the kukui hele po, to read David Po's last prayer, and to give the Golden Light Invocation. I am not sure why but that felt right and like that's what Kekula wanted me to do.
Now the main reason we had actually stopped was to check on the tent, which we had talked with Kaleo Kaina earlier about setting up for us, which he said he could do Monday evening. But with the doubt about the location not resolved until Sunday, I hadn't followed up on it with him, and it hadn't been set up. But as it turned out, Erin and Kauiki had gone to clean up the church that day, and made it ready for us to use. I quickly realized that this was much better anyway, so we just adjusted our plans to use the church for the service, and then go over to the Triangle for the pa'ina instead. As it turned out, things worked out perfectly in this regard.
That night after we returned to Kalani's, hanging out at Janet's in the back house where Aisha and Aprelle were staying, we met Kumu Hinaleimoana Wong-Kalu, who Kalani had brought in that day to do the oli and protocol for the service. We ended up staying up well past midnight talking and planning, going over every aspect of the service, planning the torches, the procession, the kahili bearers, the arrangement of the church, the flow of the service. Although we knew it would be an organic process that would unfold, we had set a certain order in place that would guide us, so everyone knew their roles and all would go smoothly. Hina, who was really taking on this role for the first time, expressed her amazement at how we had handled the whole process, cleaning and oiling her body and taking care of her in a traditional way, and the peace and agreeability among our family. She also expressed her thought that the relationship between Kalani and myself was a true example of the real meaning of punalua, in two men who are joined by their love of the same woman to the point that they become brothers and take care of each other and have each other's backs. She was also so happy to see intimate relationships between females (Aisha and Aprelle) and between males (Kalani and Jean) all within and part of the family.
Now it just so happened with the timing of things that this was also the week of the special session to legalize same sex marriage in Hawaii. Kalani as a senator was a major advocate of this bill in the legislature, and Hina as a transgender person was a vocal activist organizing in support of LGBT rights, and the day following the funeral had an op-ed published in the Star-Advertiser about gender roles in the Hawaiian traditions. The session had opened Monday, and Kalani had to fly back from Honolulu and arrange his schedule around that to be available on Tuesday for the service and everything around it, then fly back on Wednesday morning to the session again, for the Senate to pass the bill. While this historical and majorly contentious political and civil rights issue was taking the attention of everyone in Hawaii, our family and Kekula's service was a small, simple example of how it really is not a big deal, and lots of different sexual identities and relationships can exist peacefully in a family, and within a strong cultural and spiritual context. This was certainly something that I became more comfortable with in part through my relationship with Kekula and the other relationships that she brought into my life, including Aisha's and Kalani's, and I think Kekula would have been happy that in some small way her service was a living example of the peaceful integration of different identities, and perhaps gave strength to Kalani and Hina as they went out to fight the good fight in the public square in the days just following her service.
The Day of the Service
The day of the service, I showered and shaved and cleaned myself up, then went over to Kalani’s. (Everyone else was staying there thanks to his endlessly gracious openness and support, but I had been coming home at night, wanting to be with our cats after being away for so long, and also feeling that I wanted some time by myself at home, to be with my feelings and thoughts and memories of Kekula, instead of being away and then coming home to our house suddenly after everyone was gone and being alone here. I wanted to sort of integrate myself there gradually along the way, as well as take care of some things that needed to be attended to around the house.)
I joined everyone else at Kalani's as we prepared for the day. The plan we had discussed was to go to the church and do a torch lighting ceremony at noon. We would first light the torch at the grave side, then use that to light the other torches, and to light the kukui hele po as I carried it into the church. Well everything went according to Kekula's and Ke Akua's schedule, not ours. I arrived somewhat late in the morning and met a few people there, including our old friend Jay April, who would be filming the service, so I briefed him on the plan. I brought my things into the church and had gotten back into my car and started to drive to the Triangle to check in with John and Tweetie, when I looked at the clock and noticed that it was 11:50. No one else had arrived yet and no torch lighting ceremony was going to happen at noon. I realized it was up to me, so I turned around and headed back into the church. I realized that I didn't even have a lighter, so I asked Jay and fortunately he had matches and a lighter which he brought to me. I then asked for privacy so the church doors were closed while I changed into my clothes for the ceremony, including my best Noanoa shirt that Kekula had picked out for me, my grey kihei that I wear for ceremonies, and the half-shell kukui lei that Kekula had made. Once I was dressed, I quickly set up the kukui, lit it with an acknowledgement of her lineage of Iwikauikaua, and I chanted E Ho Mai, just at noon as it worked out. Even though this was not the way we had planned it, I felt like it had worked out perfectly as it should be. I felt very comfortable and confident that I had properly set the kapu for the place, and opened the way spiritually for all that was to follow.
As others began to arrive, I felt like it was my role to really hold that space within the church and the grounds that I had set. I welcomed guests as they came, and helped to set up all of the decorations and arrangements, but as more family and friends started to arrive there was still time for me to just sit by myself in the church, to feel the moment, the sunlight and breeze and flowers outside the windows. I had brought a few things including the portrait of Kekula by Margaret Leach which I placed up against the kapa-covered table in the center just in front of where her casket would be placed. On the front wall of the church, on one side I hung the portrait painted on fabric by Roti Make of herself and Kekula, in a way that Kekula seemed to be looking over the proceedings. On the other side I hung the poster of Daddy Bray, Kaonohiokala. I put Vienne's dark painting of her in the window alcove on one side, along with a basket holding all the cards that had been sent to her during her recent illness. I put our marriage photo, the photo of Nakaikaina and Kekula, and a photo of an owl (a family ‘aumakua) that I had given her, in the window alcove on the other side. I put the ipu Kekula had made to contain her mother's ashes in among the folds of kapa on the floor beneath where her head would rest.
Bodhi had stopped with Kekula in the hearse at Kalani's in Hamoa, to give Aisha and Kahilihiwa and others a chance to prepare her casket with flowers and la'i and make her beautiful and ready. Once they arrived at the church, I asked Shawn, Jeff, Steph, Jim, Pi and Dave to do me the honor of carrying her casket. I stood by the hearse at the entrance to the church grounds, while everyone arrived and got into their clothing and their places. Then we moved the hearse back out to the entrance to the parking area so we would have some room for the procession. And then we got Kekula out, got into our places, and the procession began.
Notes on the Service
Hinaleimoana Wong-Kalu provided na oli (chanting) and cultural protocol of Iwikauikaua and the protocol of the mid-day torch. Amy Hanaiali’i Gilliom, who was childhood friends with Kekula as their parents played music together in California, sang Palehua. Sabra Kauka came from Kaua’i and also offered an oli. The acoustics in the Palapala Ho’omau Church were absolutely heavenly and the chants and songs were angelic.
Many family and friends honored Kekula with loving memories of the ways that she had touched their lives. Uncle Bumpy Kanahele shared a moving tribute.
As Kekula's casket was being placed in her grave, during the graveside part of the service while everyone was gathered around, a lovely light misty rain came and touched upon the gathering. For some who were looking the right direction, a rainbow was visible directly over the grave. For Hawaiians, this is a most significant ho'ailona, or spiritual sign, and was a confirmation for all that the service had been done properly and Kekula and Ke Akua were satisfied.
Near the end of the service, after Kekula's casket had been placed in the grave and we were almost ready to start placing dirt, Steph noticed a big cane toad that had found a spot just inside the grave and went in to rescue it, scooting it out away from danger. It was a bit of levity and fitting kindness for Kekula who adored all sweet innocent creatures.
One kupuna in Hana, Coila Eade, who is I believe near 90 and has been to many funeral services, told me it was the most touching service she’d ever seen. Many others reflected similar sentiments to me in the hours and days after.
The Golden Light Invocation
When it came to actually giving the "eulogy" I was somewhat nervous and afraid of not being able to hold it together, so I had jotted down a few notes in the calm moments before the service, and I felt like I kind of rushed through it and could have explained more why I just said what I did, what the Golden Light Invocation was (I just kind of launched into it without explanation, and I read it, even though I have it memorized, because I was afraid I would lose my place in the moment), and could have shared more things about her as well. But I did what I did, and have to trust that it was right, and I did the best I could, and Kekula would have been happy with it. And it gave more time for others to share their stories and memories of her, which was truly wonderful, so I can't second-guess myself to much in a moment like that, when everything I heard was that the whole service was perfect and wonderful. But I did want to share here something about the Golden Light Invocation and how it came to be in our lives, and why I chose that to share.
The Golden Light was something that Kekula had mentioned to me early in our relationship, something that came from Daddy Bray as well. As I said at the service, it was something that she said she swam in, and she would envision other people in golden light and see how they reacted there and how comfortable they were in order to discern if they were of one heart. She had told me that when she saw me in golden light, I was dancing and laughing, so that's how she knew she could be with me.
Some time later, the Golden Light Invocation was mentioned to me by my dear friend Sparrow, independently and without any knowledge of my connection with this via Kekula. Sparrow was the first one who introduced me to yagé (ayahuasca) on Maui, back in 1993, around the same time I met Kekula. Later he would get a piece of land a build a retreat center called Guaria de Osa (Orchid of the Osa), later renamed as Ocean Forest Ecolodge, on the Osa Peninsula of Costa Rica.
After my mom passed away in 1998, my step-dad Don had moved to Costa Rica and married a woman who in a cold-blooded act of greed ended up killing him. I had gone with Aunt Barbara to attend her trial in San José, at which this woman was convicted of his murder and given a long sentence. It was a sad and surrealistic episode to attend the trial, and everything around it. But after it was over, I flew down to visit Sparrow at his retreat center for a week or so. While I was there, Sparrow gave me specific instructions for how to prepare the yagé, the space and the self for ceremonies, which I recorded in detailed notes and later edited and arranged. In those instructions, he had mentioned the Golden Light Invocation as a fitting prayer with which to close a ceremony. He had recommended the work of Taoist Master Huang Ching Ni in general, and specifically the Workbook for the Spiritual Development of All People, as being very compatible with the Amazonian traditions and the way of the medicine. As Taoism was something I had always felt a natural accord with, I was very open to this, and ended up getting and reading these books. The Workbook contained a version of the Golden Light Invocation. I actually found two translations of it in his work that were quite different from one another. So I had done the best I could to come up with a version somewhat combining the two that I felt worked for me, and modified it slightly to suit me.
Here is my version, more or less.
——
The mysterious origin of Heaven and Earth is the source of pure energy.
With this energy we can rectify the critical imbalances and make testimony of our communication with the spiritual realms.
Within and without the spheres of the universe, the Tao is revered.
From the Tao we receive the subtle golden light to envelop and protect our bodies and souls.
It is so subtle that it cannot be seen nor heard.
The golden light permeates heaven, earth and us.
It nourishes and educates all life.
I touch this invocation sincerely with my voice, and with our subtle vibrations of energy we attract and receive the golden light.
All spiritual beings gladly guard us.
The five emperors of the five directions (subtle five forces) all come to meet us.
All the divine beings kindly accept us, for the golden light we have received, which enables us to transcend all worldly troubles.
We are given power over all destructive forces.
Demons lose their courage and all evils/obstacles are eliminated.
The heavenly beings dam up their wisdom and release it like thunder and lightening, illuminating the dark clouds.
They inspire our clear wisdom to penetrate all things.
Our upright chi are shining and active.
The immortal medicine grows within us.
All spiritual resources reach us.
The golden light quickly appears to envelop and protect us.
This edict is from the Jade Emperor.
May the golden light descent and guide us.
——
With Kekula, it became something that we shared now and then at times of trouble, or indecision, or doubt, or when she was feeling down, and I would hold her close and wrap her in my warmth and strength the best I could, and recite the Golden Light Invocation to her quietly in her ear, and she truly appreciated it. It was our own personal prayer that we turned to when we needed light or guidance, and it was very helpful to give us peace and clarity and strength. So it seemed very appropriate to open my time at her service by sharing the story of the kukui, and to close it with the Golden Light Invocation. Of course the irony that certainly occurred to me is that the invocation says toward the end: "The heavenly beings dam up their wisdom and release it like thunder and lightning illuminating the dark clouds." Well in this case, with the storm on Saturday night, it was in actual thunder and lightning that their wisdom was released, and opened the way for all that was to follow. Couldn't be more fitting.
The Pueo
The Pueo is Kekula’s family ‘aumakau, or ancestral form and animal guide and guardian, and she has had several instances of owls interacting with her in very auspicious ways, including two related to her mothers passing. In one, when she was on the Big Island and her mother Alohakapu was in the hospital, Kekula found an owl on the road that was somehow injured, she stopped the car and stopped traffic, and just by talking to it got it to lie down so she could pick it up and wrap it in a cloth. She took it to her friend Auli‘i’s house and cared for it until it was able to fly and go on it’s way again. Then when her mother passed she was on Maui, and right around the time of her passing when she was pulling out of Kalani’s driveway, an owl flew right right up to the front window of her car and hovered there looking at her.
A couple weeks before she passed, I was driving back to Kalani’s from the hospital, and there was an owl standing right in the middle of my lane just before Paia in front of Baldwin Beach. I had to slow down and move into the other lane to pass it very slowly, and it just stood there and looked at me as I passed.
Two days following Kekula’s funeral (on Halloween), after we dropped off sister Shawn, William and Kawai at the airport on Thursday, we went back to Hana the back way and stopped at the church again. Aisha and I went to the grave and stood there talking, with our arms around each other’s shoulders in the darkness. We had left the van headlights on so we could see our way over to the site of the grave. Just as the van light went off automatically, we looked up to the sky and an owl flew right in front of us directly over the grave. Just then a rain came down lightly on us, even though we could see the sky full of stars and could perceive no clouds above in the dark sky.
Mahalo Ke Akua