Anticipatory Loss
Why do we feel sad about losing the things we love before they're gone?
I wrote this a few years ago, about my cat, but really about Kekula. Now I’m feeling the same about my dad, Paul Irwin Crawford, Jr.. He’s 92, and until recently he’s been going strong still, sharp of mind and independent. But now his body is winding down. So this is about him… but really about anyone or anything we love, and know we will lose.
September 2, 2020
I’m thinking about loss, or rather the anticipation of loss, which sometimes seems worse.
My old cat Xena is 17 and last night she had a cough and sounds like she has fluid in her lungs. She’s rubbing up against my journal now purring, but I worry about her. She had an episode last fall and then again in April just before her birthday when she was falling over with her back end. The second time it happened I feared that she was on her way out. I was preparing for her to die soon. I thought she might not make it to her birthday. That must’ve been her seventh or eighth of her nine lives because she recovered and with a change in diet (including lots of fresh fish, ahi is her favorite, the dark meat), she’s been doing well since.
But now I’m always looking out for signs of problems, of losing her balance on her back end again or losing weight. And when I took her to the vet, they couldn’t find the cause of the problem, but she has troubles with her kidneys and her heart. So at her age, I know it is only a matter of time. I mean, it’s only a matter of time for all of us! But for her it’s shorter. Maybe she could live 2 to 3 more years. But she could also go anytime. So I am in the state of anticipating her death, her loss. And feeling sad about it, even though she is still here. It just makes me want to enjoy her and spend time with her more, and make sure she has a good, happy life and lots of love and attention.
But why do I have to feel sad about losing her before she’s gone? It’s funny how we work that way. We project ahead to future events and then feel the emotions of those events in the present. We do it with happy things too, things we’re eager and excited about. But it seems most noticeable to me around sadness and loss. Feeling the sadness of anticipated loss. When the actual time comes, the actual death and loss, then the real purging and crying can happen, and it’s sad but also a release and almost a relief. But leading up to it, it’s just a sense of impending loss, imminent loss, of unknown exact time, but inevitable.
And I live with that sadness of knowing at the same time as I cherish her warm, soft body and loud purr and quirky, affectionate character, and want to put off the inevitable for as long as I can. But when I hear her coughing last night, I am just reminded of her mortality… And of my own. And of other loss I have suffered before, and how I could see and feel it coming.
So beautifully written, as always
❤️❤️❤️